Without rehashing all the sad details here, I can say that this past week has been so incredibly hard. Losing someone I loved so very much is hard. Watching my mom lose her best friend is hard. Going into her empty house with all her things is hard. Even though she was only 78 – which is far too young to die – I find a bit of comfort in the fact that she is now with my Grandpa, who died last spring and that almost makes it feel…complete, somehow.
There are so many ways to rationalize death, to try and make it feel better. She’s no longer in pain. She lived a long, good life. She was so proud of us all. Everyone has to die sometime. It’s the natural progression of life. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. She touched so many lives with her hands and her love. She was surrounded by all her family and loved ones. At least she got to tell us goodbye. She’s in a better place now.
I was reading this Psalm again the other night and found such peace in it:
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Before each of us are even born, God has already counted the days of our lives. I think about both my grandparents and all the “what ifs” thoughts we went through as a family. What if…we had taken them in sooner, tried a better hospital, diagnosed them quicker, gave them a different medicine…would they still be with us?
But nothing could make any difference because God already knows. He knows the exact day of my death before I even lived one single day. He knows my life from beginning to end and it’s not over until He says it’s over. So Thursday, August 7, 2014 was my Grandma’s pre-ordained day to pass away and not one of us was going to change that.
It makes death seem so much more on purpose and it takes away the fear. It gives it meaning when all understanding flies out the window. He has a very distinct design for our lives, even until the very last breath we take. When most people feel abandoned or alone, this Psalm reminds us that God is with us and He will never leave us. Because we are His and He is faithful. This is exactly the way it’s suppose to be.
While it may not take away the tears or the pain, there’s such hope and comfort in God’s perfect love.